


Months and minutes, Apologies and mistakes

by ambivilent_sleeper



Category: The Witcher (TV)
Genre: Fix-It, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22769902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambivilent_sleeper/pseuds/ambivilent_sleeper
Summary: Geralt pushes people away to avoid getting attached. Somehow, he’s heartbroken anyway.This is set after the end of the first season on the TV show. Some details have possibly been glossed over.Un-betaedConstructive criticism welcome
Kudos: 10





	Months and minutes, Apologies and mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> In which Geralt is emotionally constipated for valid reasons. 
> 
> You feel time measured by the amount of time you experienced, it just keeps feeling faster and faster

Months feel like minutes

Time passes so quickly for him. As if people he cares about turn to dust in his hands. How it hurts to see them age so rapidly. It dulls over time, but he can’t get used to it. Can’t keep caring for things that disappear too soon. 

He can’t let himself care. So he is gruff and distant. All encounters a fleeting moment, perfect in that they are frozen in time. 

In Yennifer, he saw his own loneliness. But her hollowness was something he couldn’t fill. He thought maybe, maybe he could be allowed to care. Maybe if he can fill the emptiness inside her, he could fill the hole he feels in himself. He thought it might be ok to get attached to her, for she was even more ageless than he. She understood that people turned to dust as they watched, though maybe she doesn’t feel it like he does. But it’s ok to love her, to be close, just having one person who won’t leave, even if it consumes him. Even if her greed eats him alive, it’s ok. The madness that comes from being alive too long, he understands.

But leave she does. Why did he let her take up so much space inside him? why did he think he could fix her hurt somehow, when he could not heal his own? Why had he not considered that death wasn’t the only way to leave people? Had his loneliness made him soft? 

He shouldn’t get attached, he can’t do it anymore. His body is still young but he is tired and he hurts. So he’s mean and pushes people away. The lives of people feel like lit matches, burning him as the shine and fizzle our before his eyes. The more he wants to feel that warmth, the sooner they seem to go. The closer they are, the more he needs to push them away. 

It’s Jaskier’s fault. It’s his fault he became so entangled with humans. Jaskeir and his annoying prattle, his gruff nature and silence ignored. Geralt should tell him to leave, tried to leave so many times. But it doesn’t stick. Even though it feels like mere days to him, he leaves and comes back. So that one day he can leave and never come back so he can pretend that they could always run into each other again. Even though he knows time doesn’t work like that, that humans don’t work like that. Even as he sees Jaskier age, ever so slightly, it feels like months but it’s been over a decade. It’s not that pronounced, but Jaskier is slowly starting to wrinkle, small, tiny creases in his eyes. Soon his hair will go white and he will become frail. And he doesn’t want to see that. Doesn’t want his friend to wither before his eyes. And fresh from the wound of Yennifer leaving, he lashes out. He is angry that he cares, angry that he hurts, angry that his rhythm had been disturbed. Angry at himself for allowing to hope. It feels so raw, his dulled emotions flare like a fire, burning him.  
Jaskeir leaves, it’s better for him that way, Jaskier can live out his life safely, and Geralt doesn’t have to watch him die. 

But he can’t run forever and he owes the child of surprise. It feels like merely seconds, or maybe days when he finds her. She asks who Yennifer is but he doesn’t answer. He doesn’t know what to say. Maybe they will meet again, but for now he has lost her. 

It feels like he blinks and sees Cici grow taller, turning so fast into a young woman, and he realizes that time isn’t only fast to her. But to someone he owes an apology to. 

He is awkward with Cici. He doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know how to answer he questions. His conversation skills so rusty he doesn’t know how to do it anymore. Jaskeir would know what to say. Well, Jaskier would make a fool of himself, but at least he could say something. Fill up the silence. Taking care of this child grounds him, and he has to be thankful for Jaskier. For though she will die too soon, she is still young and here. So young. It’s nice to do something other than fight monsters. He knows it’ll hurt more later. But to be needed. To be important. He understands why Yennifer wanted a child. Why she thought it would fill her emptiness. Because it does. A little bit. It heals some of the hurt and numbness he has locked away. But she still ages so fast, and though there is still time for her, time for Jaskier is running out. 

He hears tales of a bard, or more accurately, he asked where to find the bard, and pretends the town is on the way to where they are going. Cici is curious but doesn’t ask, for she knows he won’t answer. He just wants to see, to make sure he is alive and well. Just see, and then they can leave. He doesn’t know how to apologize. 

He feels relief when he sees Jaskier singing in the tavern, the wrinkles around his eyes slightly deeper, his voice a little rougher, his hand slightly tougher. But still alive. Still bright. Not yet flickering. He intends to leave after quietly observing from the shadow, but Cici tugs on his hand. And when Jaskeir sits for a drink, Geralt finds himself walking towards him, he feels nervous, and probably holds Cici’s hand too tight but she doesn’t say anything. And when they get close enough, Jaskier sees them, his face flush with alcohol. Geralt doesn’t know what to say, so they just stare at each other for an eternity. Time feels so impossibly slow, much slower than it has felt in ages. Geralt feels like his mouth and dry.  
“Jaskier, this is Cici, the child of surprise.”  
“Cici, this is Jaskier... a.... friend.”  
Jaskier doesn’t say anything, he’s a little shocked at being called a friend, he assumes Geralt might be trying to apologize. He doesn’t know, what that apology means. Or why. He always taken Geralts silence as agreement to his company. But he isn’t sure anymore.  
“We are headed out tomorrow morning.”  
Jaskier still says nothing. Does this mean goodbye? Would he show up just to leave again? Is this an invitation to join them? He doesn’t know.  
Geralt looks away, he has spoken so many word with no response, he still doesn’t know how to apologize. In a small and quiet voice, he says, “you may join us if you like.”  
And Jaskeirs eyes widen in shock, but before he can respond Geralt and the small girl walk away. 

He hopes Jaskeir understands, but he doesn’t expect to be forgiven. And he expects even less for Jaskeir to join them in the morning. 

But he feels a small twinge in his chest when he doesn’t see him in the sunrise light. But still he heads over to the stables where Roach is, and tries to stop himself from feeling disappointed at seeing only the stable boy. He opens the door to coax Roach out, but steps on something. Geralt looks down to see a pack. And next the the pack is a sleeping body, leaning up against the wall, lute cradled in his arms, light snoring emanating from a slightly open mouth, a small amount of drool on his chin.  
Geralt gently kicks the bard, who wakes with a start. “What are you doing here?”  
Jaskier slowly gets up, taking his time stretching, small cracks could be heard as he works out the kinks in his back, grumbling “I’m getting to old for this.”  
Geralt feels a wave of sadness hit him. His... friend... is indeed getting old, and he might have to watch. He slightly regrets inviting him, for the road isn’t an easy place to live.  
“Well, you didn’t tell me when or where to meet you, and you might leave without me, but you wouldn’t leave without Roach.” He pats Roach’s sturdy back. Roach was getting old too. “Sooo... here I am. No take backs.”  
Geralt had meant it as a rhetorical question, and feels a little stupid for his oversight. He had not really expected Jaskier to come, even if a small part of him hoped he would. So he just nodded and silently got Roach ready. He put their packs on Roach. He looked at the two of them. Cici; young and small, and Jaskier, getting older. Not quite a jolly old man, but no longer in the prime of his youth. He and Cici had both ridden on Roach together, but it wouldn’t work with the three of them. Another oversight. Perhaps they should try to get a second horse. Roach would soon need to retire anyway. For the time being, he lifted Cici into Roach and opted to walk on foot. Their pace would be slower, much slower than he had planned.  
Jaskier, unbothered by Geralt’s silence, directs his attention to Cici. “So, I see you are the child of surprise? It feels like it was just yesterday...”  
They started walking along the road to the next town. Jaskier’s chatter seeming to open a dam, and all of Cici’s burning questions poured out. Geralt listened to their chatter, and it soothed him somehow, he knew Jaskier would be better at this than he was.  
Eventually they fell into a lull, walking in comfortable silence while Jaskier strums his lute.

**Author's Note:**

> I made this because I was frustrated by a few docs where I felt the characters deviated too much from the norm. Kinda bitchy, I know. I don’t think Geralt is emotionally capable of saying sorry but I still wanted to make things better. This is a slight character study inspired by a post that talks about how horrible it is to live so much longer than humans. 
> 
> In this Geralt doesn’t yet know Yennifer disappeared.  
> Time is a little fuzzy around them edges and so is the plot. There is a little bit more I could do with this story but if anyone wants to take it and run, or add, I would love that! 
> 
> I have no idea what I’m doing.
> 
> I personally didn’t feel the romantic chemistry between Yen and Geralt, and I don’t feel sexual chemistry between Jaskier and Geralt. But I do like the idea of a romantic friendship between them.


End file.
